When Natural Disasters Strike: How to Heal as a Family
My heart is so heavy as I write this. In the last 48 hours, I have seen friends lose their homes to these deadly California fires. I’m at a loss for words and I feel stricken with numbness.
Here we are again.
Ever since the Thomas fire in 2017 in my hometown of Ventura, I’ve never looked at fire the same way. I saw what it did when it burned down my beloved best friend’s home and it nearly took out my parents’ house. I’ve seen what fire can do in a matter of minutes.
And yet, I underestimated this one.
When I heard there were winds coming to Los Angeles, I thought it would be another little LA gust.
I thought wrong.
I started to get scared when our fence blew down in our backyard. It never gets windy at our house so I thought to myself—if it’s this windy where we are, what is it like by the mountains? In Altadena?
You may know the rest. We can now say that Los Angeles hasn’t seen fires like this before. The Palisades. Altadena. The Hollywood Hills.
So. Much. Loss.
As we process this together, I want to share some ways that we can support one another, especially with our children who are seeing this firsthand.
How do we even begin to break this down when we are breaking down ourselves?
We can start by taking a deep breath and trying to regulate our nervous system. When we feel panicked, we're more likely to respond in ways that can further agitate a situation.
From there, we can be honest with our children in saying that there are events happening in nature, like a fire, a tornado, or whatever it may be, and discussing how this can cause damage to people's homes.
We can talk about how seeking safety is the most important thing and that may mean that we have to move to find safety. We can also talk about that if our homes get damaged or people get hurt, we come together as a community and we always help one another out.
We never go through these things alone and people are here for one another.
We also have to remind each other that this is not our forever (even though we are forever changed by these events).
We can talk about how it feels scary right now, but it will feel better with time. Sometimes it can feel like the scary and uncomfortable feelings will never go away, but with time, those feelings will not be as strong.
Reminding our kiddos that they will feel better with time gives them a sense of hope. We need that more than anything.
We can also remind our kids that we will always do everything in our power to keep our kids safe. Our number one job as parents is to keep our kids protected and we will always do our best to make that happen. This reminds our children just how intentional we are about looking after them.
We can also let our children know how resourceful and resilient we are. We will find a way. Sharing with them how we can always come up with solutions to solve problems, even if they are big problems and it feels really scary while we do it, shows them we are able to endure.
And as much as we may want to stay glued to our TV, sometimes we need to step away.
The visuals alone can be incredibly intense--and that's true no matter how old we are.
One of the strengths of our children is that they can bring us into our present moment and even help us feel a sense of lightness and joy when we're in the midst of tragedy.
Keeping the news on in the background or discussing in detail, especially with young children, is not the most helpful strategy. Instead, watch this content when kiddos are asleep or at a minimum to get the information that you need to be safe.
Oppositely, if you have older children who want to talk about what has happened, give them all the space to process it with you. Don't suppress these conversations. When it comes to the news stream though, if the information is getting redundant and just poking the wound, step away and distract in other ways.
At the end of the day, we want our children (and ourselves) to feel empowered, resolute, and capable. Teaching them how they can be prepared and that they can take steps to solve problems shows them they can be resourceful.
We can approach this without fear tactics too, though. Broaching it from an honest place that doesn't induce exaggeration like, "We want to be prepared in case we experience X someday. It's unlikely but we want to be ready to go regardless."
We can also remind them of how they can help others and give back so that they feel like they are a part of the community. Teaching them empathy, where they put themselves in the shoes of a peer, helps them hold greater compassion for what others may be going through.
Wherever you are at as you read this, I hope you are taking heart.
In conclusion, I want to include some resources that may be helpful if you are impacted by these fires:
Tips For Talking With Youth After Disaster
Coping in Hard Times: Fact Sheet for Parents
Helping Children After a Wildfire