When Friendships Fail

Let’s be real: friendship break-ups can be just as painful as dating—and even sometimes marital break-ups. It’s easy to downplay it but have you ever been hung up on a friend? Or unsure how to proceed in a friendship that just isn’t working no matter how hard you try?

Well if so…then let’s get into it.

To start—why do friends reak up in the first place?

People are constantly changing. Our preferences, interests, and even personalities are evolving and this may mean that what drew friends together at first no longer keeps them together as time passes, whether that's months or years.

They can also have differences in how they handle conflict, with some being passive-aggressive, aggressive, passive, or appropriately assertive, and these differences in handling difficulties can lead people to ghost, rage, or pull away without healthy resolution.

And here’s the thing, friendship breakups are just as tough as dating breakups but we often don't acknowledge them as such. We minimize our pain or shame ourselves if we’re having a “strong” reaction.

There's a real grief experience that can happen--the stages of shock and denial, sadness, anger, and bargaining are all par for the course before we reach a state of resolution. Especially if you still have to see your ex-friend on a regular basis, those forced interactions can be incredibly uncomfortable.

We can start by supporting our feelings and validating our experience. It's a loss and acknowledging it as such is crucial.

Even so, remind yourself that this friendship break-up does not define you. You will still go on to have meaningful relationships with others and you can learn through the experience so that they have a better relationship next time around.

We can also get curious about why the friendship failed. Understanding our role in what went wrong, rather than solely blaming the other party is challenging work but crucial so that we don’t repeat the same patterns all over again with someone new.

And level 2.0? Practicing empathy for our enemy. Rather than hating them or wishing them well, we can try to put ourselves in their shoes, even challenging ourselves to foster love, grace, and compassion for them—even if they are no longer in our lives.

Plus, you never know. Sometimes friendships come back around. If both parties want to make amends, that's the best sign there is. But if we’re too busy holding a grudge, we miss this opportunity for re-connection.

Now of course, if repeated wrongs are taking place, we don't need to keep forging ahead with the friendship. We can learn the difference between someone messing up once and fixing their error (we're all human after all) versus someone who is blatantly disregarding another person's feelings and is unwilling to make appropriate changes or take responsibility for their actions.

And while your heart heals, connect with others who do show you directly what healthy relationships look like. Ruminating in the thoughts and stewing alone is not helpful in this situation. Re-engage and find people who love and appreciate you for who you are.

You deserve people who cherish you. Go find them and be that person who cherishes others in return.